We go through our lives filled with expectations of how things will be. Our heads are usually focused on what’s next, and not what’s now. Telling ourselves we will be happy when we are skinny, when we have a better job, when we go on holiday in X amount of weeks, when we have a bigger house, a smaller house, or just a house period.
It is hard to step back and enjoy ‘the now’ sometimes. I believe we all have something to be thankful for even in our darkest hours and it is easy to focus on all the wrongs and not the rights. We have spent a lot of time in the last year with our heads down, plowing ahead toward our dream. Once we achieved it, our heads went down again plowing ahead to get the house ‘done’.
I have been struggling the last few days. We spent years living in a new build flat dreaming of having a house that was our own little diy project. Now we are in that diy building site, and it has it’s ups and downs. We are super grateful for what we have but some days are hard. There are days I relish a new project and I am filled with excitement and pride about how far we have come and what awesome things lay ahead. And then there are days where I look around and I get overwhelmed. I see all of the things still on the to do list and it has a way of making me want to just take a nap. To make it just go away for a minute.
Times like these I feel selfish. I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed about our home, I should feel lucky we have a home. Lucky that we have the means to take on projects or even just lucky that we are healthy enough to do these projects. It has been almost 6 months that we have been in our house and I had expectations. I expected all the floors to be done, walls to be painted, and pictures and light fixtures hung. It is easy to look back and think how easy we had it in our old flat. All we had to do was slap on some paint and call it done. But I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I just had expectations.
I need to remind myself that it is ok to take a break sometimes and to lift my head, look around, and be proud of what we have accomplished, not what we have yet to complete. I also need to finish one space. Make one space a peaceful relaxing zone. I think this is why we have been working a lot in the garden. I mean seriously, we have much more pressing things to be working on inside the house, but no. We want to enjoy the garden. Have a nice place to sit, away from the weight of the house. A place to relax and clear our heads so we can get ready for our next project. To find our excitement and drive again when it is lost.
I had one of those day this week for numerous reasons. Part of it was just me not snapping out of it and allowing myself to be in a mood, another was the girls having a bad day too, and the weight of the house, trying to call a million vets to pick one for Lily, and it goes on. You get the idea. It was a normal day filled with little jobs needing done. But it was a hard one. The moment the kids went to bed I announced to Alex I was going to work in the garden and outside I went. I knelt down and started digging. As I was digging and pulling I was tossing aside my mood with the dirt. I didn’t think about anything other than what I was doing. The sun came out and was warm on my back. I planted flowers and sat back and smiled at the colour in my garden. I thought how nice it will be to do the dishes now and have flowers to look at through the window. One hour later, with flowers planted, my mood was gone. I just needed to accomplish something alone. In quite. Time to let my mind just stop.
We all have expectations and I am going to stop. I cannot predict the future so why try to? Today I am lifting my head, enjoying the moment and the mess while safe in the knowledge that it will all get done. When? I don’t know. But today, I am ok with that.